Tongue Lashing

Isn't it funny, the English accent? Well, actually, I didn't used to think so, but apparently - and unequivocally in the minds of the wobbly lady managers I'm currently working with - there's really nothing funnier. 'I love all the little phrases', she often chuckles as though I was a little English lepricorn she'd caught (I know that doesn't quite work, but I can't think of an English equivalent - an imp? Actually, I think they're German) and having tamed me was reaping her rewards by having me tell her impossible tales in a little squeaky voice. Truth is, one of these 'phrases' was me telling her I was doing a 'reccy' in Montreal for a friend, but I'm pretty sure that's an American term, not that it made a blind bit of difference to the wobbly ones.

It has to be said though, the English accent is a definite boon over here. Just paying for shopping can sometimes bring about a kind of hushed awe as the locals drink in their language, but said in the way God and my Mum intended. That's right, I'm saying I speak the Lord-approved version of English and let's face it, any kind of Americanisation of the mother tongue, no matter how renowned the author or faultless the reputation of the brainbox, makes you consider that that individual has possibly, at one stage or another, shrieked 'Yee-ha!' without irony - and that simply won't do.

Aside from her passion for accents, my pork scratching of a manager lurches around the place with all the urgency of an adolescent undead. Sometimes there are bursts of flare (equating to a 'mental' hand gesture or slightly wider-eyed stare) which are nonchalantly explained as her 'marching to the beat of a different drum' (although I think it's more likely to be ice cream van music) and for these I have to force a cheekbone straining smile or fake laugh. Always painful. Along with Fatty-Fat-Fat there's a Chinese woman called Cindy who is just unbelievably useless. I've never seen anyone make such a meal out of every small task she's given and on top of that she also laughs uncontrollably whenever I speak. 'You know why?' she asks all the bastard time. 'It's cos of your accent!'. Now I may be wrong, but if I was to laugh at her fairly thick Chinese accent all the time, wouldn't that be racism? Again I'll help - yes, it would. Anyway, just wanted a quick rant as I never get the chance to at work. No-one gossips there, and I feel like I'm bursting to slag people off - thank God for you, blog. Ahh, that's better.

So think of me as you go about your lives spared of the necessity to repeat yourselves, leap through linguistic hoops for open-mouthed colonials and hear endless mentionings of the name Hugh Grant. Bollocks to your sympathy, I'm like a sodding celebrity out here, just without the money, women or fame! Yee-ha!

The next subject of this week's posting is that of the mad staring eyes. You know the syndrome, you've all seen the phenomenon before, I'm sure, so I'll spare you the description and, let's face it, it's fairly self explanitory, but whenever I'm faced with it, it always leaves me dumbstruck. Where does this rabbit in the headlights condition come from? Is it a stigmatism? Is it a life-long condition that meant they were mad and staring as babies? Is there any cure? Do they realise it's happening? Do they see dead people? I ask all these questions and bring up the subject cos I have a MSE sufferer in my department and frankly I find it fascinating. During conversations with her I find myself refraining from blinking almost in competition, but she always wins the stare down. One advantage to the condition, I suppose. I can't get anywhere near before tears well up in my eyes - are their's dustproof? Anyway, if anyone knows anything official about MSE do let me know.

Finally, I thought I'd send a quick thank you to those good enough to leave a comment on the last posting. Now Olly, Ruth and Craig, you're immortalised on my ramblings - hoorah! Keep it up, and if you want a mention, you know what to do. One last thing, for all those who want to see the photos from the Pride parade and super-gay weekend from a couple of weeks back, I've made them into an album and put it on my Facebook page. Bye then.