Baby Elephant & Castle

Good morning to you all,

It's a glorious morning here in Toronto. I'm currently using free internet at the Swap office close to the hostel, which always makes me smile. I'm here to ammend my CV to show I have bar experience - which as some of you may know, I don't - so that I can wing my way into a bar position at the 'Elephant and Castle' Brit pub. So British it even has a red phone box outside. I ask you, is there anything more British? Me, maybe.

Life at the hostel continues much as before. Gamey wafts greet you as you walk past every room and red bleery eyes stare back at you as you make your way to the veruka-infested washroom. My time in these establishments must end soon, or I myself may just become one enormous walking veruka. Not a pleasant option. A nice 5.30am wake-up for us all this morning as someone was getting up for work. A nice Canadian fella from Halifax (he gives you extra) but somewhat intense. One of those guys who tells a joke and then laughs in your face for ages, just staring and waiting for you to enjoy the joke as much as he clearly has. A long wait, in my case. It's taken me a little while to indentify exactly what it is that makes hostel life so unique and the other night I think I cracked it. I genuinely believe there's no other place in the world where you meet someone for the first time and during their introduction - in the dorm, you understand - they strip down to just their pants. Where else is this appropriate, apart from London heaths? There I was happily reading my book in bed and within seconds a total stranger walks in and starts telling me about his journey - all the while performing a slightly awkward striptease. I'm not 100% sure, but I think he noticed the absurdness of the occasion too and quickly vaulted into the top bunk, hiding his shame while I attempted to shrug off the whole embarassing incident. The conversation soon ran dry though and I can blame nothing else except the exceptionally rapid appearance of his droopy ball-bag. We could have been friends were it not for his intrusive glands.

I think I may well go over to the Roger's Stadium to watch the local Blue Jays baseball team play against the Yankees tonight. I've already been to a game and spent the majority of it barking insults at some Red Sox catcher called Drew. He just happened to be close and I just happened to be drinking a lot. I'd never have the minerals to do such a thing at a footy match, but here it seems almost compulsory over here and the players usually take it in good spirits. We'll just have to wait and see what happens tonight - I could be spending the latter part of the night having a baseball bat surgically removed from my bum-bum. Last time I went to a game there was never a dull moment. Every time there's a stop in the play they're either hurling out free gifts - drinks or toys usually - getting everyone to have a bit of a sing-song or having people leave their dignity at the door and dress up to race each other to that baby elephant music. You'd know it if you heard it. Last time they were dressed up as chillis and much hilarity emanated from them falling, It's A Knockout-style, over each other. I liked it when they fell too - maybe I'll get a job as a racing chilli. Maybe not.

Anyway, I've handed my CV into the E&C and it's in God's hands now. A silent prayer from you lot wouldn't go amiss either. Remember, He does move in mysterious ways.

Bye then, write soon now

Andrew X

Allo, allo

Hi all (hopefully)

Being as I am, computer illiterate, this may or may not reach you all. I've attempted to create a group (or category) in an effort to save me having to 'check' everyone's names before composing a message. A major reason for this is that I've only just realised that all my contacts lay on 2 rather than 1 page(s) and therefore I think a lot of you have been missing out (a relative term, I suppose) on the continuing adventures of me on my intrepid travels. Don't hate me for my ineptitude, those of you with names beginning with R or above in the alphabet, nothing has been deliberate - or has it? No, it hasn't. Anyway, do let me know if you get this one sooner rather than later, so that I can stand hands on hips and open-legged in front of the PC booming, 'Where is your God now?!' And all that kind of thing.

Anywho... I think last time we spoke I was telling you about the wetter than a fish's wet bits singing of hippy chicks and the happy-clappy types on my tour of the east of Canada, with its progressive cities and insightful locals. Well, things have changed a little since then. After a hellish night in the Toronto hostel, involving noisy Spaniards and terrifyingly smelly Israelis, I decided to take a fellow traveller up on an offer to stay with her friend a couple of hundred miles south of the big city, in a place called Sarnia. Sarnia doesn't have talking beavers and unicorns, but does share a couple of things with CS Lewis's mythical land, Narnia. White is very much the dominant colour here and the Christians bloody love it. I've actually had someone freely admit to me that they're a neo-nazi and you get the unnerving impression that pillow cases aren't just for putting pillows in here. My favourite line of unerring ignorance so far has been, '...so she went off with a coloured fella, not that there's anything wrong with that, but I am prejudice.' I feel like I'm in the middle of a Louis Theroux documentary.

Just like a Louis Theroux docu, there are two sides to the story. Along with the intrinsic racism and fear of the different comes a geniune interest in life on the outside and enormous generosity. The family I've been staying with are called the Remingtons and they have been unrelenting in their offers of food, trips out and a general refusal to let you pay for anything. The said neo-nazi took me and a couple of locals out in his sailing boat onto one of the great lakes one evening (even admitting when Bohemian Rhapsody came on the radio that, 'he may have been a queer, but Mercury had a great voice') and we took some Seadoos out into rivers and lakes the next day - all for free, you understand. Here are some snaps of that great white adventure:

That's me steering the sailing boat, showing my love for the unbelieveably fast Seadoos (0-60 in 2.5 secs, if anyone's counting) and being shuttled around and trying to pretend I wasn't a bit worried about falling off. All good fun.

I even considered sticking around for a little bit, but yesterday the nazism just got a little too much for me and I'll be returning to Toronto to start looking for a place to stay and a rubbish job at the end of the week. Sarnia has definately been interesting, but it makes Norwich look positively enlightened, a term rarely used for my pointy-headed motherland, and I don't think there's a place for me here. I do love the Lord, but I'm not in love with Him.

Do write back soon and let me know if I've achieved a small victory against the machines, would you?

Thanks then,

Andrew/Mills.