Hold that thought

It strikes me that there are two types of people in this world - one with manners and one haplessly going about life entirely oblivious to the plights of others. Self-absorbed to a point where everything their body excretes is greeted with an appreciative smile, sniff or, dare I say it, lick. Maybe I've gone a bit far there, but I think you get the picture. This egoism can manifest itself in no crueller and selfish act than that which befell me first thing this morning.

Getting up late today meant that everything was a rush and it's in these conditions that you sometimes get the feeling your environment is all-knowing and purposefully hindering any potential progress. I know it's easy to feel conspiratorial about life and I've always been told to stop acting like everyone and everything's out to get me, but if I was looking for evidence to back up my paranoid tendencies, this morning had it by the lorry-load. First of all I was too late for the shower. Because of indulging myself a little too much after the alarm had actually gone off, I opened my bedroom door to the sight of the shower door closing for business - at least temporarily. This was made doubly frustrating cos of the fact I would be in there for less than five mins, but since I was now waiting for a girl to wash her bits, it was anyone's guess how long the wait could be. Depends on how soiled the bits are, I suppose. Grumbling something about women's bits, I walked past the other bathroom and, seeing how the morning was going up to now, wasn't that surprised to see it was still out of order (no water - said it would be fixed two days ago - anger levels rising) and lurched on towards the kitchen, making sure my soft pink foot stepped on the biggest and sharpest piece of glass in the vicinity. I don't think giving it the term, 'piece of glass', does it the justice it deserves - feeling as it did like a purpose-built police stinger or prison shank as it sunk deeper and deeper inside me. Being first thing, I didn't think a girly scream (which I was so desperate to make) would have been altogether welcome by the other members of the flat, so I had to satiate myself with a bit lip and a wide-eyed and discombobulated stare towards the Lord. At least now I was properly awake.

Squeezing the shank out of my foot proved to be a lot more satisfying than the act of squeezing it in and brought to mind John Hurt's seminal scene in Alien, which made the whole thing rather more jolly than a tetanus-inducing injury probably should be. What wasn't jolly was the pain - as throbbing and relentless as Euro-techno - and it meant that the rest of my morning chores had to be conducted by a hobbling and muttering Golem-like creature who had now taken my place. It was at this point I realised I hadn't had the forethought to take my rolls out of the freezer for making today's lunch and they were, as is consistent with the function of a freezer, frozen. Painfully aware of how late all this general hubbub was making me for my very important position of photocopying bitch at the Ministry, I decided to utilise brute force and a knife to prise open the oyster-like lips of the wholemeal baps, which had until now been reluctant to budge. Unfortunately the budging incurred a further penalty as the knife slipped comfortably into the web of thumb and forefinger and became my latest reason to gaze skyward mouthing the word, 'why?'.

Finally the roll was made and - although it did resemble something Jack the Ripper had just pulled out of an East-end prossie - finishing this and hearing the bathroom click open down the hall filled me with hope that the nightmare may soon be over. And by all accounts, except for a brief incident with this one very powerful jet of water nearly claiming a nipple trophy, things ran relatively smoothly up until the point I was - already 10 mins late and facing a 15 min walk - ready to leave the flat. Then came the point of this posting. The reason all this made it to the blog is because of the actions of one horribly selfish bitch who wilfully committed a sin. A mindless and thoughtless act which was enough to make me dry heave in rage and question the very existence of human compassion. As I opened the door of the flat I saw that the lift doors were open and a young girl - who had definitely seen me - was just entering. Wincing and gasping after the morning from hell, I limped toward the door with pace, but confident that no-one would be so churlish as to allow the doors to close in my face, when, before I could process the outrage being enacted in front of my very eyes, the doors closed and the lift clunked away leaving me with the rage-induced dry heaves, as discussed. She didn't hold the lift.

Although often tempted, I have never knowingly allowed the doors to shut on my fellow man. I think it might be more about guilt than blatant manners in my case, but the end result still remains the same - the doors will stay open on my watch. You need to understand how crappy the lifts are in my block to appreciate what an unprecedented boon it was seeing one open in front of my flat and to feel the abject disappointment I did when I was left high and dry - but on top of the earlier horrors I reckon you can understand. After wishing several varied, and some rather creatively accomplished, deaths on her, her family and pets, I got to thinking how much better this world would be if we all just held the lift for one another. Indeed, I envisage a world free of the 'close the door quicker' button and of people around the world holding lifts in unison as a mark of unity and even world peace. Did not Jesus hold the doors for the lepers? Did not England's Rose facilitate the access of hundreds of Cambodian mine victims to open lifts? Nope - but imagine if they had. Mmm - just imagine...

I can't see that the lift issue can possibly escape Comic Relief's attention now, especially after this emotional journey. Expect to see a tearful Nick Knowles ushering a bunch of chattering and laughing African children into an open lift with a knowing and thoughtful glance to the camera. Gives me goose-bumps just thinking about it. Yep. Anyway, that's today's life lesson over - I hope we've all learnt something. Thanks to two contributors on the comments side - both were anonymous, so I can't thank you by name, but rest assured, you have a special place in my heart.