Global Warming

One question: Have you accepted Jesus Christ into your life? It's make your mind up time and, I'm sorry to have to inform you, the wrong decision will result in spiky perverts sandpapering your skin off and dipping you in boiling mace while stapling your eyes open and forcing you to watch them wear your favourite pet as a Satanic cock glove - for all eternity. Get the picture yet? You're going to Hell, sunshine, where they dish out 3rd degree burns for breakfast, 2nd degree murder for lunch and dine heartily on a 1st degree with honours from Cambridge in hot poker insertion for dinner. I am, of course, speaking in reference to the revelations (no pun intended) that lie within the life-changing literature I acquired on a shopping trip recently - the bone-chilling front cover of which you can see in the photo above. On first glance you could be forgiven for mistaking the pamphlet for an Indian restaurant menu, but don't be fooled - this writing could very well save not just your life, but your afterlife life. For me, the most crucial of the life lives.

It's important you understand exactly where these particular words of God came from - this should allow you to make your own mind up as to the validity of the bubbling brimstone rhetoric that lies therein. You may be familiar with the various techniques those known in the business as 'soul winners' use to try and, well, win your soul - some may approach you on the street and suggest you repent your sins gently, others may actually come knocking on your door with their arms filled with Lord-based literature insisting you join them on the road to salvation. The owner of my new favourite way-to-avoid-hell manual has a very unique method whereby it's not just the writing that induces fear in his audience.

Making your way down the hustle and bustle of Yonge Street (the longest street in the world, remember) can be trying at the best of times. In the summer it's hot, busy and full of focused shoppers all hungry for bargains with their eye on a much-reduced prize. There are people playing enlarged chess (?) painted statue 'performers' and people drawing massive blown-up versions of classic paintings - all craving attention and, more importantly, a quick buck from us. Intermingled with these artists are the obligatory religious representatives all trying to convince you that their's is the one true Almighty. These God-botherers are fairly regularly placed, peppered as they are between the street performers and the street dwellers, and their position really makes quite a lot of sense when you think about it. If you manage to fend off the other hands held out for money from you, maybe your guard will be down and you'll be more receptive when someone is actually offering something to you. This is a logic employed by all the God Squad reps - all but one. Walk a little way down Yonge and just before you come to a pedestrian crossing, just outside the huge Eaton Centre Mall that dominates the high street, you may see a strange sight. Every so often the group of shoppers that find themselves waiting patiently to cross leap into the air in perfect unison.

The reason for this phenomenon stands next to the crossing all day, every day and in himself is not really that spectacular. He's a short old man, probably somewhere in his 60s, with dumpy features and wispy white hair. His clothes are drab and plain and a little dirty, but other than that you wouldn't really give him a second glance - and that's his secret, whether he knows it or not. To be honest, I'm pretty sure he doesn't. This incognito allows him to infiltrate large groups of people without notice and when they're all gathered he let's rip with his one word sermon. 'JESUS!'. Let me tell you, when you're next to him, as I have been on more than one occasion, having the son of God's name screamed out at that kind of level is truly a religious experience - most people there repeat His name, at the very least. You should note at this point, though, that it's not 'Jesus Christ', or 'Jesus be praised', or even 'Jesus is coming, look busy', just simply 'JESUS!' and I think that's why I like him so much. Apart from his occasional roar, the little man is quite unassuming. He shrieks Jesus and then (it's the methodical nature I love too) his eyes looking thoughtfully down at the street, his arm bends slowly towards the crowd much like an expensive tape deck opening and in his hand he holds out the reason for his outburst - the pamphlet. As you can imagine, given the madness that preceded its arrival, I had to have a copy of this, if only to write about it for you guys (I'm always thinking of you) but I'm not sure who was more shocked when I made a grab for it, the people I was with or the little mentalist himself. I actually think he only had the one copy with him, so I may have made history that day by taking it - I like to do my bit when I can. Turning round when I got to the mall doors he let me know he was better prepared than I thought though, as I saw a brand new group of unsuspecting pedestrians all launch into the air simultaneously.

Take a moment to look at the front cover - if you click on the photo above you'll get a much bigger version of it. What can you say to that? 'THOUSANDS OF DEGREES HOT - And not a drop of water.' Do people actually believe this? I can definitely accept that a crazy old man who stands on street corners shouting 'Jesus' at the top of his lungs takes this kind of thing as gospel, but are real humans actually capable of accepting a man with horns, a pencil moustache (a pencil moustache, people! Is there anything more indicative of evil?) and a remarkable likeness to Vincent Price sits nonchalantly beneath the Earth on a throne made of, I don't know, kitten heads watching over the systematic, perpetual and eternal torture of sinner souls? I'm just not buying it, I'm afraid. I mean, a pencil moustache?! Along with the enticing front cover the pamphlet reads like a one-to-one with David Koresh. We're talking fire, brimstone, sulphur, damnation, horrific acts of hellish proportions all raining down upon the non-believers - but, curiously, all related in a strikingly familiar manner. Here's a passage which I think illustrates this quite well:

'You will be crying and begging for one drop of water to cool your scorching tongue. But it will be too late! How about it, friend. Is HELL the place you want to spend eternity?'

Hmm. Don't feel obliged to answer this, although it probably wouldn't take you that long to formulate an opinion on it at the very least. I, personally, would have to say no. There are countless other examples of scare-mongering hyperbole within the pamphlet, as you can imagine, but rather than spread the word of the, frankly, bonkers I think I'll leave it there.

I feel like I should add a disclaimer here. I really don't want to offend anyone with strong religious beliefs - but I think everyone, religious or not, would agree that this kind of offering from any kind of denomination gives religion a bad name. Don't get me wrong, I love Jesus - and unicorns and Care Bears and all those guys. Anyway, thanks to Amanda for her comment about Ontario - I know it's not all depraved, but those are the crowd-pleasing parts and I have to give you what you want, right? Bye then.